October 11, 2009 § 1 Comment
Mamá needs us out of the house to pack our clothes and picture into suitcases. She’s done this so many times. As always it doesn’t all fit. Layla and I go to the bookstore. On the way over we listen to the Caribbean show. Driving with your two year old daughter is all about musical education. “This is called Soca,” I say. I turn up the bass. “What do you think?” She says it’s good. Almost anything I ask her–she says good and she means it too. She always pauses just the right amount before she says it so that you know she’s really listening.
At the bookstore we see three adolescent girls. They’re laughing and jiggling and scared and pretending not to be aware of how loud they are and that they want everyone to look at them. They go towards the bathroom and then laugh even harder. Layla pauses again and says “nenas silly.” On the way back the Caribbean show is still on. “This is a like a reggae remix of this kind of cheesy song called Lady in Red by the Neville Brothers or something,” I tell her. “What do you think?
After she says that I reach back and give her a sneak attack squeeze on her feet, belly, hands. They play some other songs. One by Luciano. I press the button that opens the gate at Silver Oaks. For a few seconds I think of a poem I could write about all the different times you could listen to music. Music before paddling over a waterfall. Music while drinking the third glass of wine. Music played just before the bombs start falling. I can’t think of one that would be right for waiting as the gates open to your parents’ gated community.
The gate finally opens though and the song changes to something else. Layla looks sleepy in the rearview mirror but we sit in the driveway for a couple more minutes anyway just listening to the song finish. I want to make this part of the day last a little bit more.
October 7, 2009 § 4 Comments
“when it gets like this she stops taking pictures.”
that’s the line i thought of today.
lau asked me the other night if i’d keep this blog going.
i told her claro que si.
before it’s all about not having any fluid loss. spotting. blood.
now that’s all we’re waiting for.
waiting for all of it to rush out in blood. gestational sac. embryo.
if this doesn’t happen they have to ‘vaccuum it out.’
if not there is risk of bleeding disorder.
the doctor comes ‘highly recommended.’
when it gets like this my default mode is anger.
middle knuckle of right hand swollen.
we’re visiting the accupuncturist again today.
this feels ‘totally desperate’ to me.
but there’s no flow.
lau is scared of going to surgery center.
they say 1 in 3 women have miscarriages
i’ve been repeating that too.
one of my friends have told me “this will get better.’
he mentioned ‘the duality of life.’
i understand how we’re still moving downstream ‘in spite of all this’ but it doesn’t ‘help’ at all.
my parents are on a Mediterranean cruise right now.
the people living here have no connection to us.
that’s the worst for me–there’s nobody around; it’s all on the fucking internet.
i hear them right now, my girls, opening the door to the pool.
layla is calling for food, queso, then changes her mind.
she wants to give the dogs a treat.
in 40 minutes we have to get in the car.
October 1, 2009 § 10 Comments
Since Lau got pregnant again we’ve had premonitions. Lau said something was wrong. This was early on. Pain. Spotting. She told me she’d had bad dreams. A baby born feet first. I told her it would all be fine. But I also felt like something was wrong. There just hasn’t been a good flow since we’ve been down here. We’re down here to see my parents but if we’d had enough money we would’ve figured out some other way to make this transition down to South America. I hate writing that but it is true.
La naturaleza es sabia is what we’ve been teling each other. When we walked into imaging place I thought ‘this is where people get really bad news.’ At that point I’d already gone into movie-mode. Everything you look at compressed down to two dimensions. There were several obese elderly women in the waiting room. An older black man came in and got a barium shake and instructions on drinking it before coming back tomorrow. Even on the drive over it seemed like I was watching a movie of us driving. I put on some P-Funk to try and make us levantar el animo. Lau said she was nervous. When the technician cut on the ultrasound there was no heartbeat.
Yesterday I was looking at our old weimeraner Kali. She’s almost 14. I remembered her as a young dog. Thinking about the litter. How crazy! She’d been inside her mother once too. Now she was so old. She’d never had a chance to give birth.
It doesn’t feel like a movie right now. The ceiling fan is on high. The shade is pulled down. It’s already October. The embryo was 1 cm long. Some of us never get a name.
October 1, 2009 § 2 Comments
It was 10 degrees cooler today. I went outside and imagined fall. Fall was happening in other places. In my mind I could see leaves. They overhung the five falls of the Chattooga River. Here it was just cooler. I went to get the paper. I’d been up since 6 writing. For some reason I was pissed about something.
Later Layla and I went to the beach. There was an offshore wind blowing. Tiny mini-barrels formed in the shorebreak. I pointed to them and told her ‘tubitos.’ On the ride over we’d been listening to Alan Watts. It was a lecture from the 1960s about zen. He described how you could drift with all of the current. When it happened, “you become momentous.” It seemed like I could feel that Layla was calm and happy in the backseat.
Now we were in the little tubes. Layla wanted me to carry her out further where there were pelicans. “When you get too close they swim away,” I said. We tried going under a few times. Layla is not afraid of the water.
September 24, 2009 § 1 Comment
September 21, 2009 § 3 Comments