1 Oct 2009 name

Since Lau got pregnant again we’ve had premonitions. Lau said something was wrong. This was early on. Pain. Spotting. She told me she’d had bad dreams. A baby born feet first. I told her it would all be fine. But I also felt like something was wrong. There just hasn’t been a good flow since we’ve been down here. We’re down here to see my parents but if we’d had enough money we would’ve figured out some other way to make this transition down to South America. I hate writing that but it is true.

La naturaleza es sabia is what we’ve been teling each other. When we walked into imaging place I thought ‘this is where people get really bad news.’ At that point I’d already gone into movie-mode. Everything you look at compressed down to two dimensions. There were several obese elderly women in the waiting room. An older black man came in and got a barium shake and instructions on drinking it before coming back tomorrow. Even on the drive over it seemed like I was watching a movie of us driving. I  put on some P-Funk to try and make us levantar el animo. Lau said she was nervous. When the technician cut on the ultrasound there was no heartbeat.

Yesterday I was looking at our old weimeraner Kali. She’s almost 14. I remembered her as a young dog. Thinking about the litter. How crazy! She’d been inside her mother once too. Now she was so old. She’d never had a chance to give birth.

It doesn’t feel like a movie right now. The ceiling fan is on high. The shade is pulled down. It’s already October. The embryo was 1 cm long. Some of us never get a name.